A Quiet and Fierce Love

My husband says that I am more emotional now after having a baby than I have ever been. This is saying a lot, because I am a very emotional person. I cry watching Disney movies, when I see a kid fall off his bike, or when the wind changes. My most recent episode was when my husband threw our 4 month old daughter into the air for the first time. It was just a small toss and she loved it, but I burst into tears. To quote the movie Mean Girls, “I just have a lot of feelings”.

    My poor daughter seemed to have inherited my emotional personality. She is cranky and acts like her life is so stressful. She cries sometimes when I just look at her or say “hi!”. Apparently eating, pooping, playing, cooing, and sleeping is so hard! But when she smiles at me or squeals with that perfect little side grin, my heart feels like it may burst. And I cry. Go figure.

    After a very long and difficult 4-day labor, I welcomed Piper into the world. We were delirious and excited, happy and sad. Only sad because her birth was nothing that we had planned. We were transferred to the hospital after attempting a calm and unmedicated natural birth at a birthing center. But this stubborn little girl had other plans.

I had always told my mom that I was excited to have a child because I wanted to experience loving her in a way that God loves us. I wanted to feel that unconditional love for something that I helped to create, and finally understand how our all-knowing God loves me personally. After a few weeks of constant waking, feeding, crying, diaper changing (the girl could go through 7 diapers in an hour!), and many sleepless nights, I thought back on this. I knew that I loved my little girl with all of my heart, but it didn’t seem right. Did God feel hopeless and frustrated about me? Did he dread me waking too soon? Or flinch every time I cried? Because I felt this way a lot. Then one day it hit me...

I loved my little girl so much, but it was a quiet and fierce love. I did not feel the need to shout it from the rooftops or profess it to everyone that I saw (although God may do this), but it was deep and unexplainable. Piper has done absolutely nothing to deserve my love. I receive nothing in return for everything I do for her, except for an occasional smile or squeal (and this is just recently!). Yet I love her so fiercely. Am I crazy!?!?! I discovered that this is how God loves me. I have done nothing to deserve his love. I don’t even talk with him often or thank him for wonderful gifts. I don’t spend time with him and love on him. But he loves me despite all of this. He loves me because he thought of me before I existed, he created me, he loves me unconditionally. He loves me because I AM HIS.

I love my little Piper Renee not for who she is or what she has done, but merely for the fact that SHE IS MINE. I made her! And God gave her to me to love, nurture, and raise to follow in Christ’s footsteps. She is only temporarily mine, because she ultimately belongs to this loving God that we serve. 

This was not at all the lesson that I expected, but I am finding that in motherhood, many things are not as I expect them to be. Lessons come in different shapes and sizes, and love seems to be the cushion that holds it all together. I only hope and pray to let God love my little girl unconditionally through me and raise her to do the same.

Here is a picture of Piper visiting her Daddy at work!