Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Miscarriage: 18 Months Later

Hi all! Wow, I've been gone awhile. As you may know, we had another baby! YAY! A little girl who is now about 3 months old. THAT has gone quickly. Her birth story will be featured soon- just getting all my facts straight and pictures together! Yes, LOTS of pictures. Here she is to hold you over...

We've really been working on that double chin and those thighs! Anyway, moving along from the cute baby...

In the last few months, many women close to me have lost a child through miscarriage. I mean like, half a dozen women. Wow. So I thought it would be appropriate to do a miscarriage follow up post, because if you google "miscarriage", you get a lot of BabyCenter and WebMD sites and not a lot of personal experience. With it being so "common" (I hate that), I like to write about it openly and honestly from someone who has endured it and will be REAL about it- none of that "light period" crap I was told at the hospital.

For those of you visiting for the first time, you can read about my miscarriage here and here. I also wrote a post with tips for navigating a miscarriage. I hope these help you.

So, on to today's post... Last night I got into bed and smelled the sweet little head of the baby laying next to me, already asleep. I thanked God for her, as I do every night, and I spent a minute already mourning the newborn-ness that she is losing. At the same time, I felt that familiar heavy sorrow that comes along when I think of Shalom, the baby we lost at 16 weeks. I saved the baby's picture in my phone, so I looked through and stared at it for awhile (it's in the links above). I let myself feel the deep hurt that returns every once in awhile, knowing that that baby should look like the baby lying next to me. Wishing that that baby WAS lying next to me. And also knowing all along that if Shalom was here, new baby Selah would not be.

What I am trying to stress is the point that no matter what else happens in life, no matter how many children you go on to have AFTER your loss, the loss the still matters. The miscarried baby still holds a good part of your heart. Your heart still hurts and longs for the baby that will never be. Miscarriage changes you.

Last night I let that grief wash over me a bit. I don't like ignoring it, because it usually comes back with a vengeance later. And I've realized that this loss is just a part of me; it's part of who I am and who I have become. I wish that I didn't have to go through it, but I am grateful that God has restored me and strengthened me, and the experience was so bittersweet.

It's been a year and a half since I delivered that tiny little baby in my bathroom late at night. And although the grief has changed and my life has much more joy in it, it will never go away. If you are still grieving the loss of your baby, please know that it will NEVER GO AWAY. It is part of you. Because we love hard, we grieve hard. So every day we get up, we go through our day, we thank the Lord for what we do have, but we never forget where we have been. Don't try to forget it. I want to always savor and share the memory of baby Shalom, because it is part of my story as well.

I have been sorrowfully proud of the women who I have seen post about their miscarriages lately. It is so brave because it requires you taking the deepest and darkest parts of your heart and exposing them to the world. Opening yourself up to others in a relatively uncomfortable way. But it can be oh, so healing.

If this is YOU, if I am speaking to YOUR heart right now- have hope. Every day will not be as dark. Every hour will not feel so heavy. There is no timeline on grief. Let it run it's course, and don't try to "get over it", because it simply won't happen. 18 months later and with a new baby to love, I still feel the hurt, but it's manageable. It's a piece of my heart that will always hurt a little.

 And if this is you, don't stay silent. Reach out to someone, reach out to ME. don't squander it away. Your baby mattered.

3 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your experience. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy in April 2015. Somehow in trying to make sense if it all, I stumbled upon your blog. Of all the info I found online, your blog was by far the most helpful in getting me back on my feet again. Thank you so much! In July, I gave birth to a baby girl, and again am finding your shared experience to be so helpful. Thanks for your openness and eloquence in describing what you went through. So true. And huge congratulations on the birth of your baby girl! :)

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