Marriage Is So Much More Than Vows

I just love weddings. I think they are beautiful, emotional, magical, and I love that they are based on love! Who doesn't love love?

We went to a wedding last month in New Mexico for one of Daniel's old college friends. It was breathtaking, with the Organ Mountains in the background and the bride in her gorgeous off-shoulder gown, and the way they couldn't stop smiling or whispering to each other. I hadn't even met her yet, and I was in tears. Surprised? Probably not. My sister is a wedding photographer, and I'm not sure how she doesn't cry EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Their vows were personalized for the most part, but they did do some of the typical lines, too. As I sat there listening to them, I couldn't help but think "this looks sound easy. It sounds so easy". And all I could picture was their life filled with blissful, happy moments. But anyone who has been married more than say, a week, knows how unrealistic and difficult vows can be. I am not being a pessimist here, or discounting vows for what they are, I'm just exposing the truth in them and our responsibility moving forward from the wedding day.

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. 

Here is a generic example of wedding vows. It's so easy to keep these promises on your honeymoon, when you excitedly buy your first house, welcome your first child, go on vacations, and are not financially stressed. Life is GOOD. But when the hard times hit, and you think "what in the world was I thinking when I got married?", that's when the vows count.

This morning I watched my husband teach our almost two-year-old how to make a pinky promise. The promise was that she would stay in her stroller while they took a walk. YEAH RIGHT. It's so easy to make promises! Although cute, this reminded me how empty our promises can be and how many times we are just going through the motions.

We we got married, I had these great images in my head of my husband sick on the couch and me right next to him rubbing his feet, feeding him chicken noodle soup, and watching his fever drop from my kisses. Cheesy, but I'm not joking! This was my expectation! It didn't take long to discover that these were not really the moments that the vows were describing. It was more like these moments: When your wife comes home and says she quit her job. When you're 6 months pregnant in the emergency room at 10pm because your husband broke his nose. When a fight seems so big that it might be a "deal-breaker". When your husband loses his job. When your wife labors for 4 days and there is nothing you can do to help. When you're both exhausted and someone has to get up with the baby. When your spouse makes a decision that you think is bad and you choose to follow anyway. When you don't feel love. When friends and family die. When you end up in the hospital and the finances and support are strained. 


These are just the examples of things that we have gone through in our 5 1/2 years of marriage; I can't imagine what this list will look like in another 50 years! And although I may not know all of you, I do know some things that some of you have endured. Being unable to have a baby. Having a baby with a heart defect. Infidelity. Financially unstable. Depression. Growing apart. Addiction. Terminal Illness. Am I right?

My husband has never really liked weddings, and this is the reason why. He feels that the promises are nice, but not always realistic. Instead, he loves celebrating couples that have made it to 20, 30, 50 years of marriage and are still together. THOSE people truly lived out their vows and endured. I used to think he was just being a downer, but now I see and understand his point. It is exciting to celebrate two people who have decided to come together and promise themselves to each other for the rest of their lives, but it is even more exciting to celebrate those who have actually done it! 

We are called to love our spouse unconditionally, and though many of us strive to do this with good intentions, it is important to realize that it's actually impossible. There was only one person who was EVER able to love unconditionally, and we are only able to love unconditionally if we allow Him to love our spouse THROUGH us. Don't strive to be more, strive to be less so He can be more for you.

As we sort through what may be some difficult days for our marriage and family as I endure surgery and recovery, I believe that our vows will hold strong and it will be one more thing that we can add to our list as "DONE". Marriage is so much more than vows, it is choosing to daily live out those vows. But please, don't try to do it alone because our God has created us to NEED HIM in these moments. To rest in Him. To trust Him. To love our spouse unconditionally through Him.