Learning to Live in This Moment

This is my new tote.

I got it this weekend with a coupon and a gift card from my sister for my birthday (thanks Em!), so I didn't have to pay very much for it! That's what I like. It may not look too special, but it's special to me. It is special because this tote represents something new for me.

For the past *almost* two years, I have been strapped to a backpack diaper bag. I love that diaper bag (I actually have TWO backpack diaper bags), and I will always suggest to new moms to get a backpack. It leaves your arms free to carry the baby or carrier, and it has all sorts of pockets and compartments for all the junk that a baby makes necessary. The backpack is black and comfortable, so my husband doesn't mind wearing it and usually does when we are together. I never felt cute wearing it (most pictures I have a backpack on my back and an Ergo hanging from my front), but it didn't matter when it came to getting through the day.

Now back to the tote... I have realized in the last few weeks that my backpack is not really necessary now. I no longer carry 10 diapers, pacifiers, gas medicine, formula, frozen breast milk, bottles, teething tablets, teething toys, receiving blankets, change of clothes (for both of us), diaper cream, baby powder... etc. I pretty much throw a few diapers in the bag, tons of snacks, a sippy cup, and go. And it is hard to find snacks at the bottom of a backpack! I hardly every carry Pip anymore- she always wants to be walking on her own.

So I invested in a cute tote that I knew I would love wearing and would still give me the function of a diaper bag. But switching to this bag has been a sort of mourning process for me. It gives me the same feeling that I have had every time my baby passes another milestone. The first time she slept in her own room. The last time I breastfed her. When she took her first steps. The last bottle she ever took. When she insisted on drinking from a regular cup. EVERY SINGLE TIME I pack up another box filled with clothes that she has grown out of.

My baby is not really a baby anymore, and I am being reminded of that daily. 

God has not decided that it is time for another baby for us yet, so we wait. And in the waiting, I am trying to learn to be content and live in the moment. I have always been one to look forward to the next party, next vacation, next bridal shower, baby shower, etc. I have never been good at being content with where I am. I was in a yoga class last week and the instructor kept talking about living in your present moment, not the past or the future, and learning to breathe through it and focus on it even if it is uncomfortable or uncertain. I don't feel this way often, but it does feel a bit uncomfortable packing up what is familiar and entering into new territory as a mother and a family.

I always imagined having children close together, and now I am packing up all the baby stuff not knowing when I might get it out again. It is a bittersweet time for me. I LOVE the place that we are in currently. Toddler-hood is full of fun and surprises. We can talk, laugh and play together. I cherish every moment with my girl, but I want to learn to live in each moment with her and savor it. I am afraid that I was so tired and frustrated during her infancy that I didn't enjoy it, and I miss it now. I don't want to feel that way about these days. 

So as I transfer my belongings to my new tote and get excited about what today holds, I challenge you to live in this moment today, and focus on what means the most to you. I see potty training and sleeping in a big girl bed just around the corner, so today we will sit on the couch and watch Mickey Mouse. I never imagined motherhood having these feelings, but it's part of the job so I'll take it! Now back to my baby, because she will always be MY baby....

Happy Monday!