Marriage After Baby

 This week on one of my mommy forums, a sweet and desperate mama asked the question “How have your marriages survived the first year of parenthood? We are 11 months in and feel like we are still struggling to adjust. I can't say we fight much--I just feel distant”.

How many of us have felt this way and have been too nervous or ashamed to speak up? Other mamas immediately began to reach out and share their hearts, struggles, and give encouragement. It’s amazing how many new mothers feel this way!

Now, we are not perfect and Daniel and I have had our moments, but I do have to say that having the baby has made our marriage feel stronger. Because of our long labor and traumatic birth, I have never felt closer and more supported by that man! Let me try to explain this… our marriage feels stronger, in a way that I am no longer thinking “divorce” when we get in a fight, but there have been days where we feel very distant from each other as we navigate the beginnings of parenthood. Some of the excitement and passion has weakened as we take on the mundane tasks of work, sleep (or lack there of), diapers, errands, cooking, cleaning, church events, family, etc.  

The first two months (at least) of Piper’s life are what we called the “dark days”. Days and nights seemed to string together in an endless fit of feedings, a screaming baby, broken sleep and lots of tears (for mainly me and baby). I thought to myself “why in the world did I EVER want to do this!?”. Am I the only one? Didn’t think so. We tried to rotate wakings and allow each other to sleep as much as possible- but with me as the primary food source, I got the short end of the stick. We tried to talk and spend time together, but we were so tired and distracted. We made a decision to just “get through” until things calmed down a little bit, and then we could find the time to reconnect and focus on our marriage. Things do get easier, I promise.

Here is some advice that I have gathered from different sources that may help you during this difficult transition.

• Honestly, the few first months you are in survival mode. If you can avoid it, try not to make any big decisions or discuss highly emotional or controversial subjects with your spouse. You are both sleep deprived, may be feeling neglected by your spouse, and totally distracted. You will get the hang of parenthood soon, so just SURVIVE. There will be time soon to talk and bond and reignite the passion. Try to help each other out as much as possible- when Piper was tiny, I would take her out of our bedroom to nurse (she was loud!) and let Daniel sleep longer. When she was finished and needed to be bounced back to sleep, I would wake Daddy and let him do that while I went back to bed. This worked well for us during those tough nights. 
  
  
  
• Do you feel like you love your baby more than you love your husband? Let me explain why… The love that we have for our children is unconditional and so fierce that nothing can stop it. The love that we have for our spouse is conditional and if we are not getting our needs met, we feel neglected and frustrated. The baby is a part of us, and God created us to feel that love towards our children in order to nurture and protect them (and not kill them when they make us made because they’re so darn cute!). On the other hand, we have to CHOOSE to love our husbands daily. My father-in-law has always told us that “you can marry anyone- there is no ‘perfect match’. Marriage is a choice and you choose to love someone”. This stays true in the days of new parenthood. Although you may not feel like you’re in love, you can choose it.

• Give the guys a break. They don’t have our famous ‘mother’s intuition’. Our husbands may not notice when the baby has a dirty diaper or that we are too tired to rock them to sleep. They can’t tell as easily when it’s discomfort or hunger, or tummy aches (sometimes we can’t either). Don’t hurl the pacifier at him saying “you KNOW she needs a pacifier!”, instead, try saying “honey, did you try the pacifier yet? That usually calms her”. We are all forgetful, and we can completely change a situation based on how we communicate. I am guilty of throwing things at times, but when I came about it gently, even when my heart felt angry, I always got a better response and it diffused a tense situation.
  

• Let Daddy discover how to be a daddy. I had a hard time watching Daniel feed her “wrong” or  burp her too hard, or most recently pull her off the bed or throw her in the air! But my husband needs the freedom to create his relationship with his child. If I parent him also, I am squashing his ability to step up as a parent. Just last night I ran to the store and tried to correct him as I walked out the door. He looked at me and said “If I’m the parent, please let me be the parent”. He wasn’t doing anything wrong, just different. I gave in and left. He was right. And don’t EVER refer to Daddy as the ‘babysitter’. This has always been a rule for me. He is not a pay by the hour, keep my kid busy and alive person, he is her father and has just as much responsibility in raising her as I do. When we give our husbands the freedom to rise up and become great dads, they usually do. 
  
  
  

• Take time away from the baby when you can! When that scary “6 weeks” mark started looming over my head, I knew my husband was ready to have his wife back. But I was so scared. Will it hurt? Can I do it? What’s the wreckage like down there? My head was so in “mommy mode” that there was no way I could let go and enjoy my husband- especially with the baby 5 feet away and my nerves on edge. So here’s what I did… I didn’t tell my husband my plan… I called my mom and asked her to watch the baby for a couple hours. I dropped her off and went back home and prepared a nice meal. When my husband got off work, he came home to me...just me! Without the baby around, we could really focus on each other for our first time back at it. We had a blissful two hours together, and then we went to pick up our baby, feeling content and refreshed. I knew ahead of time that I couldn’t focus on my husband while waiting for the baby to cry or feed, so I took her to someone I trusted (as hard as it was to leave her!), because my husband needed me too. Once that first time was out of the way, we were able to explore and enjoy each other with baby in the house. It just takes time. 
  
  

• There were times when I was breastfeeding that I felt like my body was not my own. I would feed the baby and put her to bed, I would satisfy my husband, and then I would say “Okay, is everybody good? Can I put my boobs away now?”. I honestly felt like I was constantly being needed by someone. In these moments, I tried to remember that this was really the life I wanted. I didn’t expect all of this, but I wanted to be a loving mother and an attentive wife. And I know this is just the beginning. There is no “off” time for mommies. So instead of feeling bad for myself, I thank God for my husband, my child, and my wonderful family. I try to remember that it will not be like this forever, I will be longing for the days of breastfeeding again (I already am), or having intimate times with my husband. God created my body to serve others, and that is exactly what I am using it for. I'm actually lucky, right!?

• Thank each other for the sacrifices that you each make. In our case, that means thanking my husband for opting out of playing soccer during the week and for not doing Fantasy Football this year (this is a big deal, believe me. And I am so thankful). For me, he constantly thanks me for keeping our baby alive and loving her unconditionally. It works out well. Express the little things- even if you think they don’t care. They do. It always feels good to be thanked for something that you thought was going unnoticed. 
  
  

• Don’t dwell on what used to be- I used to do this because we LOVED to travel, explore, hike, backpack, camp… you name it. With a baby? No way. Instead, we try to look forward to things we can do with her. The first time she’ll see the beach. Her first camping trip. Taking her to see the changing colors in Boston. Or the little day-to-day things like hearing a dog bark for the first time. Feeling sprinklers. Touching grass. Swimming. We do miss our freedom and the ability to get up and go, but this is so much more rewarding. Seeing life through someone else’s eyes for the FIRST TIME. She’ll grow up and all of this will be normal soon, so savor it now. I am also keeping low expectations- I know we want more children, so I am not counting on ‘getting back’ to some of those things for awhile. I want to wait until our children are old enough to enjoy the experience anyway!

• Let the baby change you. When you become a parent, a whole new life unfolds before your eyes. You see things in a different light. Every movie you see, you think “what if that was my child?”. Every baby you see in the store, you think “they’re about the same age”. You seem to have this secret connection with every other person who has a baby! My husband and I joke that we feel like we’re in a secret club with other parents, and we share quiet head nods and smiles with other parents in the grocery store. All this being said, YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE. Find some parent friends (or at least mommy friends) to have dinner with, laugh with, share stories, etc. Chances are, your screaming and cranky kids won’t bother them. 
  
  
  

• Let the baby see how much you love each other- even if it’s a struggle. Make a daily decision to be excited when Daddy gets home from work (make it a big deal for baby) and show him your appreciation. Be intentional about hugging each other (sometimes with baby) and ALWAYS kissing in front of her. We realized very early that our little one was watching intently as we kissed. It makes her feel loved and secure seeing her parents love each other, even as a baby. And it could also spark some passion between the two of you! Don’t withhold physical touch or saying “I love you” from your spouse, even when you don’t feel like it.  This is also how our children learn that no matter how we feel, we will always love them. 
  
  
  

• Set a daily time to connect with each other. I know this is hard. We don’t always do it, but we try. Daniel’s grandparents were married for 67 years before his grandmother passed away. Every night before bed, they would say goodnight and excuse themselves and go to the bedroom to “settle their nerves”. This meant that they would take time talking through their day and sharing their hearts with each other.  Daniel wanted to start this in our marriage, and it’s so fun to lay in bed and talk for a few minutes! If we can’t settle our nerves, we will try talking over dinner. We ask each other “what are 5 things that I don’t know about your day?”. This is really fun. Mine are usually baby related, and his are usually work related (things I don’t understand), but it gives us insight into each other’s time when we are apart. Other times, we try to leave each other little notes of thanks, send a text saying “I love you and I’m thinking about you”, or fill in our chalkboard that says “I love you because…”. 
  
  
  

• Don’t forget to date each other. If you can get out of the house and away from baby, GREAT! If not, make the most of your time. Have a nightcap on the back porch. Have a candlelight dinner in the living room (our have consisted of pizza!). Watch a movie in bed, go for a walk (with baby of course!). Read through a book together. Do SOMETHING. When we were all poor college kids, we had to date this way anyway! The date doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, just meaningful.
  
  
  

• Entertain each other’s dreams. Don’t say “we can never go to Alaska, we have a baby!” or “you can’t go back to school, we don’t have the money”. Sometimes we just want to dream and wonder. In the future, you may be able to do some of those things, so don’t cut each other down now. My current dream is going to a luxury hotel by myself and sleeping through the night! Can anyone relate? Listen, encourage, and dream. Sometimes we just need someone else to say “that sounds nice”.

Remember that our marriage never gets to a point where it is perfect or where all the work is done. As people, we change as evolve as we grow older. We have to constantly CHOOSE to stay together and create love between us. We all hear of the 7-year itch, the empty-nest syndrome, and the midlife crisis. None of us are exempt from these difficult times in life. Make your marriage a priority for you. Don’t talk negatively about your spouse. Lift them up whenever you are around others. The more you say something, the more you believe it. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice. Choose to love your husband, because it is the best gift we can give our children.