Catt's Journey to Motherhood

Hi all!!!
I never thought that writing or talking  about my fertility issues was ever going to be easy but here goes.......
    Obviously fertility issues have to do with many "womanly" things so this is a honest, truthful, long and candid post :). I always knew that something was a little "off" about my body and my periods
(womanly instincts) but everyone else just thought it was normal.  I have always had very very heavy periods with lots of cramps, wayyy more severe than my friends.  In high school my cramps were sooo bad that I either missed school or went home "sick" the first day of my period every month because I was in so much pain!
     Fast forward a few years and I went on the Pill which was supposed to help my cramps and bleeding, but unfortunately did nothing. I went on 3 different kinds of birth control pills and nothing helped me at all so I just suffered through it :(. Luckily some months were better than others but the bad months were even worse.  One day I was at my parents house and in such pain and curled up in a ball that my mom handed me a Vicodin to help the pain...I had never taken pain medicine because I don't like medicine, but it barely took the edge off of the pain!
   A few years later I met Marc, my husband, and we fell in love and decided to move in together. He always made comments when I was on period that he didn't think it was normal to be in that much pain and that I needed to go see a doctor- but I didn't have health insurance so that wasn't going to happen. We talked about having children and we both knew that we definitely wanted at least 2 kids and we couldn't wait to start trying :). I had been on birth control for 7 years and couldn't wait to be off of it to give my body a break.  For my whole life I have always wanted to be a Mom, I knew that was my calling in life and couldn't wait to pop out some babies <3.

       We got married in July 2009 and officially started trying to get pregnant in November 09. I was 24 years old, perfect ripe and ready baby making age :). I remember the first night right after having unprotected  sex thinking "WOW!! I could totally be pregnant right now!"....boy was I wayyyyy off :).  In December my husband received a promotion but we were going to have to move to Arizona if he wanted the job. All of our family and friends and everything we knew was in California but we decided to up and move because it would be a adventure, just the 2 of us. Marc moved to AZ in mid December and I moved in late January so trying to get pregnant was a little complicated :)   As soon I arrived in AZ we were back on the baby-making train.  I started to take prenatal vitamins to get my body ready for a baby! A couple more months went by and I still wasn't pregnant and getting a little worrisome. I googled everything and anything about getting pregnant and I would tell Marc about everything that I found and he would tell me "let's just have fun and have lots of sex, and not worry about it". What made matters worse was that we made a huge mistake and told everyone that we were trying to get pregnant, so any time that we talked to anyone back home one of the first questions was, "soooo are you pregnant yet?"  " nope, still trying" was always my answer.
      About 6 months of trying and having no luck ,we both were thinking that it might be time for me to go see a doctor. I found someone that specialized in abnormal periods so I decided to go see her. I filled out all the paperwork and when she came in the room we went over everything about my periods, cramps,and trying to get prego.  She did a Pap and examined everything down under and she said that she would let me know if she finds anything.  A few days later a nurse from the doctors office called me and said that she had some results for me....she said that I had PCOS, Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. My reaction was, "Ummmm, what the hell does that mean?" The stupid nurse said that she really didn't know a lot about it and that she only calls to give people results. EXCUSE ME!!! You are calling me to tell me that something reproductively is wrong with me and you have NO information to give me, that's absurd! I didn't even know exactly what that meant so I called Marc at work balling my eyes out, and told him to Google it.
      We found out that PCOS is the most common female endocrine disorder, affecting approximately 5%-10% of all females. PCOS is a hormonal disorder that involves multiple organ systems within the body, and is believed to be fundamentally caused by insensitivity to the hormone insulin. I went to Barnes and Noble and found a book on it and started balling my eyes out in the middle of the store while reading it, I then went home and googled everything I could find and was freaking out that something was REALLY wrong with me. I mean, I officially have "fertility issues" at 25 years old, how could that be?!?  After researching a ton I thought that it was very weird that I only had 1 common symptom of PCOS and if this syndrome has to do with insulin, shouldn't the doctor have taken my blood???
    After letting it soak in that i have PCOS and that we are going to have to put some work in to make a baby we decided that it was Marc's turn to get his little swimmers checked out to make sure that he didn't have any issues.  He gave his sample and everything came back fine so that was great to hear :). We wanted to get a second opinion about my PCOS so  I made a appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. I told her everything about me and what was going on with the other doctor and she said " I'm sooo sorry that the other doctor put you through all this because you definitely don't have PCOS". It was music to our ears!! She said that I probably hadn't gotten pregnant because I was on birth control for so long and it isn't out of my system, but I didn't believe that at all. I hadn't taken birth control in 7 months, I think it's out of my system by now.  So...off to try to get pregnant...
     I felt very alone as a woman going through all this because I had never know anyone that had a tough time getting pregnant, let alone at 25 years old. I didn't have anyone to talk to about what I was going through that really understood me and I always wished that there was another woman to help me out, just listen, or give me advice.  It was a tough time for me being in AZ and not knowing anyone but Marc. I would go on people's blogs and look for support groups on the Internet but I didn't want to join any of them because I had only been trying for a few months and most of the women on there had been trying for years, and I just didn't know where I fit in.
   So here we are trying again for another 2 months and STILL nothing.  At this point I have taken many pregnancy tests and I'm getting frustrated now! I decided to make a appointment with a 3rd doctor, an OB that specializes in fertility, to get her opinion.  We talked about everything and I told her that we had been trying for 9 months now and I can't figure out why I'm not pregnant yet.  She said that until we have been trying for 1 year having unprotected sex, she can't, by law, give me anything.   We went over what days to try to get pregnant and things I could do to make sure that I know when I'm ovulating so we should have sex on day 8, 10, 12, 14, &16.  I left her office feeling a tiny bit better and I liked knowing that if we didn't get pregnant in 3 months then we could move on to other options...but then the reality hit me,  if I don't get pregnant in 3 months that means that we have been trying to get pregnant for 1 whole year and that's crazy and very hard for me to swallow!!!
      I started to research more and more about trying to get pregnant. I started to go on a small diet because sometimes losing weight kicks your body into gear,we had sex on day 8,10,12,14,&16, I bought a basal body thermometer and tracked my ovulation with charts (which apparently I sucked at because I don't think I ever did it right). I bought ovulation tests, we decided that it would be best if Marc would always be on top so the sperm would go in at a good angle (yes i know what you are thinking). And yes, every time after we had sex Marc would shove a pillow under my butt and I would put my  legs in the air as high as they would go so I could" help" the sperm get to the egg (yes I really did this :). Desperate times call for desperate measures ladies!  We went to every crazy measure and tried everything we could think of or find on the Internet but still we didn't get pregnant....
      November 2010 was here...Yep, 1 whole year of unprotected sex and still no baby :(.  At this point we were both frustrated, sad, confused, and scared of the "what ifs".  I talked with one of my BFF's and she said that she had been researching what could be going on with me and she came across Endometriosis...uhhh, 'what's that' I asked! She didn't know too much about it but the common symptoms were exactly what I had.  I went home and researched it and found out that Endometriosis is a female health disorder that occurs when cells from the lining of the womb (uterus) grow in other areas of the body. This can lead to pain, irregular bleeding, and problems getting pregnant (infertility)....that sounds just like me.  We decided to make a appointment with another doctor (4th) who specialized in fertility and talk to him about the possibility of me having Endometriosis.
     The day of the appointment I was a huge ball of nerves to say the least!! I had no idea what this doctor was going to say or what was going to happen. Luckily, Marc was able to go with me to this appointment. The doctor walked in and started asking many questions and going over my history. He then did a pap and we talked about my fertility issues. I told him that we had been trying for 1 year  and doing everything that we could to get pregnant.  He told me that after 1 year of having unprotected sex and not getting pregnant you are considered "infertile." When he said that word I got tears in my eyes and thought to myself "you must be mistaken, I am NOT infertile, I am made to be a mommy!!" I then talked to him about the chances of me having Endometriosis and he went over all the symptoms and  told me that I have almost every symptom so there is a very good chance that I have it. The only problem is that the only way to diagnose and treat Endometriosis is by having surgery- so he wanted to try some rounds of fertility medicine before doing surgery, and if those didn't work then we would talk about surgery. He prescribed the fertility medicine  Clomid, which is used to stimulate ovulation (the release of an egg) when a woman's ovaries can produce a follicle but hormonal stimulation is deficient.  The doctor went over the many possible side effects of the medicine and they all made me nervous because I am NOT a medicine person at all, but we had tried everything else so I guess medicine is the next step to take. The possible side effects are severe lower stomach pain, nausea, vomiting, weight gain, blurred vision, "hot flashes", breast tenderness, dizziness, nervousness or trouble sleeping, headache, stomach pain and bloating, and mood changes and there is a higher chance of multiple babies also (which scared the crap out of Marc)...LOL.
     Wow! I was in for a roller coaster of a ride. I was officially on fertility meds, something that I would have never thought I would ever need to take, and I was scared because what if these meds don't work and I still don't get pregnant? There were so many emotions and thoughts going on in my mind after the doctors appointment and I needed to have a serious talk with my hubby.  We sat down and I told him that we needed to talk about the plan if I don't get pregnant on Clomid. We decided that if it didn't work then I would have surgery and if that didn't work I would make a appointment to look into In Vitro fertilization. And then the thought crossed my mind..."What if NONE of this works and I can't get pregnant?".
      I told Marc that if it turns out that I can't ever get pregnant that I completely understood if he didn't want to be married to me...Ummm, I couldn't believe that those words came out of my mouth, but it was the truth and it was fair to give him that option, in my opinion.  We both knew that we always wanted kids and now if I can't, I didn't want him to have to give up his dream. He told me that we will work though all of it together and he loves me no matter if I can get pregnant or not, there is always adoption :). Somehow, someway we will have kids one day!
     After being prescribed Clomid, I researched everything about it and I found out that after being on it for 6 months straight it can start to have the reverse effect so we definitely didn't want that but I was going to get pregnant before that anyway...right? Wrong...I was on it for 5 months and still didn't get pregnant, but my periods definitely got worse for some unknown reason.  Not only did I still have severe cramps and heavy bleeding, I now would vomit and have diarrhea!!! On my 2nd  month on Clomid, my period started one morning and I was so physically ill that I couldn't stand up, I had to crawl on the floor to the bathroom! At this point I knew it was time to head to the doctors because I KNOW this isn't normal at all. I drove myself to the doctor and when I got into the office I broke down and started balling my eyes out in frustration, pain, and my crazy hormones!! The doctor said that he definitely thinks that I have Endometriosis because of the severity of my symptoms and we should look into scheduling surgery. I checked with my insurance and because of some stipulation on my policy I had to wait 6 months to get the surgery!!! I couldn't believe it, but then again it gave us a few more months to keep trying before getting surgery :).
      Every month after that my periods were just as horrible; cramps, vomiting, diarrhea, & I could barely physically move the first day of my period because of the pain.  I took Clomid for 5 months and the side effects were like nothing I had ever experienced and never want to experience again!  I was soooo emotional..I would cry at everything and then the next minute be sooo upset at everything and then extremely happy.  I was like a time bomb just waiting to explode everyday while I was on it.  I remember numerous times that things would come out of my mouth that shouldn't have been said, my brain would tell me not to say it and at the same time I just blurted it out. Marc and I got into MANY fights because of things I would say to him.  I honestly don't know how he lived with me because I was not a nice person at all!!!
      After the 5 cycles of Clomid I decided to take a break from all fertility meds and doctors and see if maybe being off the meds might kick start my body and to let all the meds get out of my body.  We tried for 3 more months and still no baby.  We went back to the doctor to see if there was another fertility medication other than Clomid that I could take for the next few months until surgery time. He told me I could take Femara, which works just like Clomid but is stronger, has less side effects, and they will only prescribe it after the patient has taken a few cycles of Clomid.  I said 'OK, let's give it 3 months and if I don't get pregnant then I will do the surgery'.  I was soooo scared to be on fertility meds again and was scared of the side effects of the Femara, but I wanted to try every option before surgery.   We also decided to make a appointment to talk about the option of In Vitro fertilization just so we knew what to be prepared for.  That would be the next step if i didn't get pregnant after the surgery.  They didn't have a appointment until September 26th so we made that appointment and hoped that we would be pregnant before that, but only time would tell.
          Looking back on the fertility meds, as much as I hated them there were some very hilarious moments... The first day I took Femara my in-laws were in town and I had warned them that there maybe side effects, so watch out...I had just gotten home from the grocery store and asked Marc to get the groceries  out of the truck...he very nicely went out side and got them...I noticed a few things were  missing so I went to the truck to look for them and there were 3 bags that Marc missed...in an instant I was FURIOUS!!!!  I walked in the house with the grocery bags in my hand and looked at my father-in-law and said (remember words just came flying out of my mouth) "where the f@#k is your son!!!!" And he just looked at me and moved out of my way and said "he is right out side, can I help you with something?" I looked at him and said,"NOOO, I want Marc!!!" Marc walked in the door and I went off on him, right there in front of his parents!!!  I was balling my eyes out and yelling at him. I told him that he never listens to me, he doesn't care about me, and how much he hurt my feelings...with many curse words thrown in there!  He said he was so sorry and he loved me and will make sure to pay attention next time (what a wonderful hubby, huh) and he gave me a big hug and kiss. My mother-in-law gave me a big hug too and said "don't worry about it honey, it's those stupid meds" and I actually had forgotten that I took them! I was just so used to being crazy on the meds!!! After that episode I was totally fine on the Femara and really liked it...but, we still weren't pregnant after taking it for 3 months!!!!
       We decided that we needed to schedule the surgery to see if I did have Endometriosis and if so, then treat it.  We told all of our family and close friends about the surgery and everyone was very supportive :). When I was telling my mom about the surgery she said "Oh, I had that surgery years ago because I had Endometriosis too." Uhhhh...what?!? Maybe you should have told me this information years ago, because Endometriosis is hereditary!!! Now I have every single symptom that goes with Endometriosis so there really was no doubt in my mind that I have it....so surgery it is :/.

Surgery Day!

         Ok, so surgery was scheduled for June 16, 2011 @ 4pm and I was TERRIFIED of that day! I am so scared of  hospitals, doctors offices, doctors, needles, everything about it!!!! I had never had surgery, an IV, or even laid on a hospital bed! The day of the surgery came and I worked all day before I had to go to the hospital to help occupy my mind, but that didn't work very well.  I went home and Marc and I were off to the hospital...on the way there I was balling my eyes out because sooo many things were going through my mind...I'm scared of the hospital, what if I don't get pregnant after the surgery, what is recovery going to be like- I had been told that recovery was really uncomfortable and felt like a elephant was siting on your chest and you couldn't sit up at all.  Overall, I thought I was going to have a panic attack, I was that scared!!  I went back in the room and got all prepared  and then finally I got to see Marc. We talked as I balled my eyes out and  he held my hand and then they gave me the sleepy meds- I hated feeling like I had no control over my body- and off I went to surgery.....About 1 hour later they were all done, I was officially "cleaned out!" Surgery went great and I definitely had Endometriosis; it was on the back of my uterus and was blocking my fallopian tubes and my chances of getting pregnant, so it was all worth it.  I had a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and D&C scrape...I was officially open for business...well in about 2 weeks :) Thankfully my recovery went great and Marc took excellent care of me.
      We went to the doctors 1 week later and he showed us pictures of my fallopian tubes and uterus and where the Endometriosis was, it was pretty crazy to see! He told us to wait 1 more week to have sex so I could heal. Normally after having surgery you get your period 2 weeks later and we could try to get pregnant then!!! He suggested to keep taking the Femara to just help things along.  Wow..I more week and I could finally be pregnant!!!
       So my period came and went and we had sex at the right time but...we didn't get pregnant :(. But for the first time in a long time I was optimistic about the chance of getting pregnant, and that was a GREAT feeling!! The next month was August and we had a trip to Vegas planned with some friends and we definitely needed a vacation.  I told Marc that I should be ovulating that weekend so get ready! We were finally in Vegas and I started to unpack and I just knew I was ovulating!!!!! Wahooo!! I grabbed Marc closed the door to the adjoining room and started to get down to business...then all of a sudden the other door to our room flies open and in walk 4 of our (drunk) friends!!!! Marc and I looked at them and looked at each other and Marc said,  "about 30 more seconds and you guys would have seen us butt naked and gotten the show of your life!" And I yelled, "now get out!!! We are trying to make a baby here!!!" Haha..ohhh memories :). After having sex I remember saying to Marc,"wow we could really be pregnant right now, what if we just made a baby!!" It was the first time in a long time that I felt like we really could have just made a baby, and it was a great feeling to have that optimism back <3.
        Just like every other month, the morning that I should get my period, I took a pregnancy test. It was September 1, 2011.   Marc was getting ready for work so I woke up early to take one because I had a funny feeling in my tummy. I took the test and we put a piece of paper over over it and waited the 3 minutes.  During those few minutes I had butterflies in my tummy, which normally never happened, I was excited about the chance of being pregnant and that felt great! Marc said,"do you think you are pregnant? Because I don't really think so, not yet, maybe next month or the one after that." I told him I wasn't really sure if I was pregnant, but for some reason I had a very strong feeling that I was but didn't want to tell him that I thought I was because I didn't want us to be disappointed.       Well the time came to check the test and Marc said that he wanted to check it...he picked up the piece of paper...looked at the test and "WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!" came flying out of his mouth and tears just streaming down his face...I said "NO WAY!! and went to check the test myself...and yep, there were 2 bright pink lines..I was FINALLY PREGNANT!!!

Finally mommy and daddy!

       Marc grabbed me and picked me up and squeezed me so tight-we were both shaking and crying and freaking out!!! It was such a emotional and amazing and wonderful memory for us. I told him that I needed to take a few more tests because what if it wasn't right?!!  I took 6 more tests and they all came back positive!!!! We really were PREGNANT!!! It was the most wonderful feeling in the world to know that I had a baby growing inside of me.

First baby belly picture!

      1 year & 10 months of trying to have a baby and FINALLY my dream of being a Mommy had come true!!  Now time to go shopping :).

Things I have learned while going through this crazy adventure....
-Always get at least 3 opinions about any major health/medical diagnosis, so you can take some advice from each doctor and figure out what way is the best for you
- Dollar store pregnancy &ovulation tests work just as good as the name brand ones :)
- Try not to make sex a "chore"- it's a hard rut to get out of.
-Remember to enjoy being a married couple. Go on vacations, go out to dinner, go see a movie, go do anything that's harder with an adorable baby in tow :)
-Throughout the roller coaster ride that comes along with fertility issues just remember that when nothing seems to make sense, "Everything happens for a reason." You might not know the reason right now but in time you will and it will all make sense!

Precious little Zakary

A family of three... on Zak's 1st birthday!