Pushing the Reset Button

Yesterday was an interesting day. Pip woke up way too early, and I quickly discovered that it was a meltdown down. Being 2 years old is hard! These are not uncommon days, but today, TODAY was a bad day for it.

I had a million errands to run and an awesome event to plan for that night. I was excited, but busy and a little stressed to get it all done on time. And having a not-so-happy toddler did not help. It wasn't even 8am and I could feel myself already feeling frustrated with her and having very little patience for her little heart.She insisted in wearing goofy socks and clunky shoes that I dislike, but I quickly decided to drop the matter and said to myself "fine, I'm not willing to die on this hill".

As we jumped into the car to head to the grocery store for our first of many stops, I let out a deep breath and threw out a little prayer that sounded something like "God help me to get everything done and help my toddler to be happy!". Just then I remembered a sweet little reading from a blog that I follow. She has 3 kiddos and one morning was running very late for preschool and feeling rushed and frustrated. She decided to stop, turn on some music, dance with her kids in the living room and reset the mood for the day. She let go of being late, and let go of her frustration- and in turn her children reacted positively and also began to choose joy.

Well, we were already in the car and headed to the store, so I decided to come up with something to "reset" our day as well and get us on the right track. Being tired and busy, our reset looked like this:

Yes, she is eating a donut with sprinkles and a chocolate milk. But look how happy she is! We sat at the Starbucks inside Fry's and ate donuts and talked and laughed for about 20 minutes. I set aside my phone and my to-do list and just enjoyed the reset. And for the first time, I looked around and didn't care if I was being judged for feeding my kid a donut. No one knew why, and no one else knew about our reset. It felt good to just sit there and enjoy each other's company for a few minutes.

The rest of the morning she was relatively happy and dealt well with the many errands we ran. I think our reset worked. So if you are just having a bad day, try to slow down and start over in whatever way works for your family. You won't regret it!

I will be posting a post-surgery update soon- thank you for the prayers and thoughts!
And as for the awesome event, I will write a post on it soon. But just to tease you....

There might have been a little of this....

 And a lot of this....

Can't wait to share!

Marriage Is So Much More Than Vows

I just love weddings. I think they are beautiful, emotional, magical, and I love that they are based on love! Who doesn't love love?

We went to a wedding last month in New Mexico for one of Daniel's old college friends. It was breathtaking, with the Organ Mountains in the background and the bride in her gorgeous off-shoulder gown, and the way they couldn't stop smiling or whispering to each other. I hadn't even met her yet, and I was in tears. Surprised? Probably not. My sister is a wedding photographer, and I'm not sure how she doesn't cry EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Their vows were personalized for the most part, but they did do some of the typical lines, too. As I sat there listening to them, I couldn't help but think "this looks sound easy. It sounds so easy". And all I could picture was their life filled with blissful, happy moments. But anyone who has been married more than say, a week, knows how unrealistic and difficult vows can be. I am not being a pessimist here, or discounting vows for what they are, I'm just exposing the truth in them and our responsibility moving forward from the wedding day.

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part. 

Here is a generic example of wedding vows. It's so easy to keep these promises on your honeymoon, when you excitedly buy your first house, welcome your first child, go on vacations, and are not financially stressed. Life is GOOD. But when the hard times hit, and you think "what in the world was I thinking when I got married?", that's when the vows count.

This morning I watched my husband teach our almost two-year-old how to make a pinky promise. The promise was that she would stay in her stroller while they took a walk. YEAH RIGHT. It's so easy to make promises! Although cute, this reminded me how empty our promises can be and how many times we are just going through the motions.

We we got married, I had these great images in my head of my husband sick on the couch and me right next to him rubbing his feet, feeding him chicken noodle soup, and watching his fever drop from my kisses. Cheesy, but I'm not joking! This was my expectation! It didn't take long to discover that these were not really the moments that the vows were describing. It was more like these moments: When your wife comes home and says she quit her job. When you're 6 months pregnant in the emergency room at 10pm because your husband broke his nose. When a fight seems so big that it might be a "deal-breaker". When your husband loses his job. When your wife labors for 4 days and there is nothing you can do to help. When you're both exhausted and someone has to get up with the baby. When your spouse makes a decision that you think is bad and you choose to follow anyway. When you don't feel love. When friends and family die. When you end up in the hospital and the finances and support are strained. 


These are just the examples of things that we have gone through in our 5 1/2 years of marriage; I can't imagine what this list will look like in another 50 years! And although I may not know all of you, I do know some things that some of you have endured. Being unable to have a baby. Having a baby with a heart defect. Infidelity. Financially unstable. Depression. Growing apart. Addiction. Terminal Illness. Am I right?

My husband has never really liked weddings, and this is the reason why. He feels that the promises are nice, but not always realistic. Instead, he loves celebrating couples that have made it to 20, 30, 50 years of marriage and are still together. THOSE people truly lived out their vows and endured. I used to think he was just being a downer, but now I see and understand his point. It is exciting to celebrate two people who have decided to come together and promise themselves to each other for the rest of their lives, but it is even more exciting to celebrate those who have actually done it! 

We are called to love our spouse unconditionally, and though many of us strive to do this with good intentions, it is important to realize that it's actually impossible. There was only one person who was EVER able to love unconditionally, and we are only able to love unconditionally if we allow Him to love our spouse THROUGH us. Don't strive to be more, strive to be less so He can be more for you.

As we sort through what may be some difficult days for our marriage and family as I endure surgery and recovery, I believe that our vows will hold strong and it will be one more thing that we can add to our list as "DONE". Marriage is so much more than vows, it is choosing to daily live out those vows. But please, don't try to do it alone because our God has created us to NEED HIM in these moments. To rest in Him. To trust Him. To love our spouse unconditionally through Him.

Post-op Update: What We Need the Most

I had pelvic surgery 10 days ago. 10 long days ago. It seems so recent, but yet so far away. Sometimes I just sit here (just kidding, lay here) and think "I can't believe I actually did it! I can't believe it's over!". It's a good feeling because it gives me a sense that I have *hopefully* endured the worst of it, and that recovery will be oh so sweet.

I wanted to write a little update because I have had many friends contact me to see how things went, how I'm feeling, and what the doctor said. So here I am, sitting her on a boppy pillow late at night (okay, I can sit a LITTLE bit), because apparently when you expel no energy during the day, it can cause ridiculous insomnia!

On Monday August 4th, we arrived at the hospital and began the check-in process complete with getting hooked up to IVs, answering questions, and discussing surgery. I was nervous, but I was also so weak and exhausted from the colon cleanse I had to complete the day before, that I was just happy to lay down with my eyes closed while they prepped me. I felt strangely peaceful. I credited it to being so sick the day before and the fasting I had done. But now that I look back, I also know that I was covered in prayer, and THAT is probably the real reason I felt the way that I did. We spoke with the nurses, the surgeon, and the anesthesiologist. When it was time, the anesthesiologist gave me a little medication to put me out as I was saying goodbye to my husband and leaving the room. I don't remember anything else. My husband says I smiled and shook my head saying "wow, my head feels dizzy" and I was asleep before he could say goodbye. Lightweight over here. Then I woke up and heard nurses around me and barely opened my eyes, asking for my husband. They told me I could see him soon, but I couldn't keep my eyes open.

The surgery took about 90 minutes, shorter than expected, and it took me another 90 minutes to come out of the anesthesia and get into a room. The surgeon came to my husband smiling saying that surgery had gone really well. She found a few more things that she repaired, but she reported that my anatomy was now correct, and any additional surgeries would not be nearly as invasive or difficult. What a relief to hear! The rest of the evening and the night was relatively uneventful. Nurses came in every few hours to check my vitals and give me pain meds. Someone changed the ice pack between my legs. I drifted in and out of sleep as I fought the pain and discomfort.

The next morning I seemed to be doing well and I was able to eat a little bit- rice pudding and oatmeal was about all I wanted. The surgeon came in, checked me, removed a few things and said that I could go home when I felt ready. I was definitely uncomfortable in the hospital bed and with the IV, but I had no idea how I would make it at home. My husband and I started a movie and halfway through a nurse came in to give us discharge paperwork and said that she was getting a wheelchair for me. Somehow I made it into the car and through the drive home.

The next week was filled with lots of pain, very little movement, constipation, diarrhea, plenty of pain meds, nausea, very little food, constant ice, a little discouragement and lots of missing my baby. It was a very rough week, and I think I've already blocked much of it out. My husband (bless his sweet soul!) was my nurse and tended to me constantly through the nights while a friend came and "babysat" me during the day while he worked. I couldn't be left alone. The baby was with my mom and visited a few times, and I have never seen her so excited to see me! It felt good.

A friend set up a Food Tidings schedule for us and the meals began rolling in. Thank goodness! I also had a few visitors, texts, phone calls, and Facebook messages. Some friends sent flowers, which were a nice adornment on my pill bottle-covered night stand. Some brought gifts, ever for Piper! There is nothing better than watching your toddler unwrap a sheet of stickers saying "wow....wow" over and over.

People had not forgotten about us. In fact, they CARED. And a lot. I've always felt loved by our friends and family, and I feel like we work hard to maintain good relationships and always love below the surface. But in the last two weeks, we have really been loved on. I have discovered through this process that this seems to be a basic human need that we are not always  good at fulfilling.

WE NEED EACH OTHER. 

There is something so comforting about seeing a meal schedule all filled up with people who love us and want to serve us. Waking up to a friend (or my mom!) on my couch waiting for the baby to wake so I don't have to care for her. Having someone constantly willing to bring me food, medicine, or ice. People dropping off snacks and gifts. Phone calls asking to come watch a movie with me and just sit together. Friends picking up our daughter to spoil her for the evening with ice cream, toys, and fun, and returning her bathed and ready for bed. My heart feels like it could burst with gratitude and love for these people. I can't believe how fantastic this recovery is going, and it's because of all of them. My desire to fall into a depression or pity party cannot exist, because someone is always there to care. 

So, back to day 10. I saw the surgeon today and she reassured me that I am healing well and doing all of the right things. I am slowly weaning off of my pain meds and taking really good care of myself to ensure proper healing, and taking all of the advice to rest, nap, and just give myself time. We all need time to heal. I went on my first outing yesterday and tired quickly, but I seemed to bounce back and had energy and spent the evening with friends resting and walking a bit. Today has been even better, besides the part where I was walking slower than the old person with the walker at the doctor's office. I definitely got some looks. But I have had manageable pain, plenty of energy, and good friends who will sit around with me. And maybe the surgeon's report was a little bit of a placebo effect, but I'll take it! I was even able to whip up a batch of homemade brownies, because sometimes that's just what you need at 9pm. 

So while the road is long and trying, I am already seeing that there will be an end, and everyday I am one day closer to full healing and being symptom-free! I am still unable to sit through church services, stand for long periods, drive, hold the baby, lift anything, sit normally, go without medicine completely, and sleep apparently, but that will all come.

I really just want to stress the importance of having good friends and people who care about you. It is times like these in our lives when the work we've put into relationships pays off. Daniel and I are both sure that we could not have done this without the help that we've had. If you don't have good friends, don't sit around and sulk, GO FIND THEM. It takes work, but it's so sweet and humbling when you have people willing to care for you because you also care for them. There is nothing like it. This is also why we should share our problems and trials, because we need each other!

And for every one of you who has been involved in this recovery, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. I have seen every face, read every text, heard every message. You have comforted my heart. When your time of trial comes, I will be there. This is what life is all about. We need each other.

Goodnight friends.

Preparing For Surgery

Many of you read my post a few weeks ago about needing some reconstructive surgery due to trauma from childbirth. If you didn't, you can see it here. I haven't posted much since then for a few reasons. Mostly because this has pretty much been the only thing on my mind lately and I know you all don't want to hear constantly about it! I've also been packing, cleaning, and doing some things around the house because I know I will be down for a long time. And I'm trying so hard to cherish the last few days before surgery going swimming, carrying my toddler, meeting with mommy friends, going out, and spending time with my husband because I know it will be awhile before I'm able to get back to "life".

Surgery is on Monday. Like, THIS Monday. I'm trying not to think about how close it is because then I get all nervous and worked up and ruin my own day with anxiety and fear. Today while driving home from a mommy playdate (let's be real here... the hangouts are for US, not the kids), I heard a little voice whisper to me "lean in". Just LEAN IN. There isn't a pain that Jesus hasn't felt; isn't a fear that he hasn't had. Help me lean in, Jesus. I believe, but help me in my unbelief.

Anyway, back to prep, while that stays on my mind for the next 6 days (but no one is counting). The hospital called me today to ask some demographic questions, and the woman told me that a nurse would call tomorrow with prep information. Wow, it's getting real, so I better get ready. I started to put my hospital bag together, because I am expected to be in the hospital at least 2 nights. Here's what I came up with...

In no particular order- I have included a robe, a couple comfortable shirts, a pair of sweat pants and a pair of soft shorts, socks (NEW socks! yay! It's like Christmas!), slippers, flip flops, face care stuff, my toiletries, pillow, blanket, water bottle, bag of snacks (more for Hubby than me), bag of recovery pads/depends, ear plugs, ginger chews (for nausea), Arnica, and lavender and peppermint essential oils.

I will also probably throw in a book (because I'll be hanging out doing absolutely nothing, I'm sure!), toothbrush, have my hubby make a playlist, phone charger, etc.

So for anyone who has had an in-patient procedure and hospital stay, am I missing anything? What else will I need that I don't have? What will I not need? I'm quite certain that they hospital will be providing all pain meds, numbing agents, etc. until I go home. After that, I'll have to send hubby to Walgreens to get the embarrassing stuff!

Anyway, you may hear from me again before surgery, maybe not. I'm going to try to fit in a few more fun things over the next few days, and on Sunday I get to do an at-home cleanse in preparation. Oh boy! Deep breaths, we're almost there.

Let's do this.

We All Have Our "Better"

Here is a quick post from my friend Carly. We met when we were both enormously pregnant, and we have kept in touch over the last 2 years. This is a little insight into what she is learning and walking through on her journey as a mother. Let's all continue to support each other.

"When you know better, you do better." 

Maya Angelou 

 I tried to dig to the bottom of the context of this quote and was instead bombarded with legions of posts from various blogs, online groups, and message boards regarding choices in parenting and how many use this quote as not only their parenting compass, but a 'gentle' way of recommending that what you are doing with your child is hopelessly, utterly wrong. Have you ever considered.....maybe my "better" isn't your "better"? 

 I have been through so many seasons in life. Haven't we all? Fortunately, I have gained some perspective from those. I have been broke and living off of fish sticks and canned ravioli. I have been a working, single mom with not exactly a load of free time or patience. I have been a stay at home mom to an intense baby that taught me more about lacking free time and patience than being a working, single mom ever did. As a result of seasons, we make choices. 

My current season is being at home full time with two children under two years old. That intense baby is now a very mobile, intense toddler. My experience with him greatly impacted my choices with his younger sister. Having to be a present and attentive parent to two children simultaneously impacted my choices with both children. Only having two arms and two legs impacts the choices I make every day. Yet I am bombarded with what I "should" choose because this person or that person knows that I "know better".

 I do know better. 

 I know better that, for me, these are the choices that are in line with the goals my family has, all people and categories of impact considered. I have a diverse group of friends who are all over the spectrum regarding their choices, based on the goals THEY have within their familial units. I had all of the answers, too. I understand the need to spread the gospel of my amazing experiences and informational finds, because, heaven forbid, that person doesn't have access to Google and would "miss out".

 I realize how very wrong I was. I realize now that there isn't one answer for everyone in any category, and that I am showing more wisdom when I am silent because I don't know everything, as opposed to saying something because I believe I do.

We Are All Struggling With Something (A Follow-up Post)

Yesterday I wrote a post about my physical issues since giving birth. It was a post that was very revealing and made me extremely vulnerable. You wouldn't even imagine the responses that I received!

In the last 24 hours, I have talked to at least 25 women about their own issues postpartum, and I've heard from dozens of others giving support, prayers, and thanking me for sharing something so personal. I even received a bouquet of flowers from an old friend today! What a beautiful surprise to open my door to! And thus, the first tears of the day!

Thank you Melissa and Takashi!

As I pushed the "publish" button yesterday, I was so nervous I was shaking. How would people take this? Would the response be positive or negative? I had to walk away from the computer. When I came back I was pleasantly surprised, and after spending hours on the computer answering emails, messages, comments, and text messages.... I went to bed feeling peaceful.

Here is what I have learned in the last 24 hours... we are all struggling with something. We are all looking for answers and support, and many times we are too afraid or embarrassed to mention it. I wouldn't be where I am today if a pregnant friend of mine hadn't overheard my situation and said "I work for a urologist! We deal with this stuff all the time!" and she referred me to my surgeon. I had no intention of telling her my problems, because I didn't want her to fear her impending birth. And here she is, part of my healing process.

 I learned about so many postpartum issues yesterday, and most of these women didn't even have the symptoms that I have! Which also showed me the vast array of postpartum issues that many of us suffer, and mostly in silence. Some of these women had procedures or surgeries scheduled, and others were still contemplating when to see a doctor. Some were fresh off of birth (within a few months) and wanted to make sure they weren't experiencing something "wrong". Some women simply wanted to let me know that I am not alone.

I said more than once "although our problems our different, our feelings are the same!". Embarrassment. Hurt. Anger. Helpless. Loss. Fear. Uncertainty. Disgusting. Broken.

Talking to another friend today, she said it perfectly "birth often leaves behind it's mark". And it sure does. I know that none of us regret the road we have walked and the things we have endured for our babies. But let's start TALKING about it. My pregnant friends have said that they want to know these things- they want to know what it's like to deliver a baby, what your postpartum body is like, how things feel. One of them said "why are there NO blogs or books about this!?!". I don't know. Let's change that.

I encourage you to bring up your issues with your friends and family. It doesn't matter if they are physical, mental, emotional, spiritual... someone may have the answer. Just like I never planned on telling my pregnant friend about my symptoms, when she held the answer the whole time!

Thanks for supporting me and walking this road with me. I look forward to keeping in touch with those that I have talked to, and walk your journey with you as well!

My New Journey (TMI Alert)

"And the priest said to them 'Go in peace. The journey on which you go is under the eye of the Lord.'" - Judges 18:6

Friends, this is a pretty heavy post today. I want to tell you about the new journey that I have begun. I wish it was an extremely exciting journey (like a baby!?!?), but it's more of a long, emotional, strengthening and healing journey. It's a journey that I have been hesitant to discuss because of it's nature, but I think it's time. 

Most of you will remember the long and difficult birth of Piper. It wasn't too long after her birth that I began to notice some symptoms of things being not quite right "down there". After lots of research (Google was my best friend and worst enemy), I was pretty sure that I had figured out the problem through self-diagnosis and read that it could heal all on it own. To give it a year. Great! I will, and I did. The symptoms only worsened. My body did not heal on it's own. 

We want more children but it hasn't happened yet, so we decided to move forward with this. 21 months after the birth of my child, I finally got up the nerve (and got so fed up of the symptoms) to see a doctor about the problem. It was just over a week ago, and the surgeon took one look at me and knew the problem. Although the diagnosis was worse that I had thought, the procedure to fix it seemed simple and doable. This was both encouraging and painful at the same time. To actually hear that you are "broken" does not feel good. To have my husband sitting in the room with me hearing about my problems and what attention they require... well, that will definitely make the wedding vows "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" run through your mind.

Without getting into too much detail, the birth of my child damaged my body so badly that it requires reconstructive surgery, and *hopefully* the surgery will indeed fix it. The surgery requires a few days in the hospital and a long healing process. I am expecting to spend about 3 weeks on the couch, unable to sit or walk. Then another few weeks with no lifting and minimal body movements. It basically sounds like recovering from birthing a baby, but harder and without the crying newborn (thank goodness). And that is all if this surgery fixes the problem. If not, additional surgeries and healing will be required. And lastly, because of this surgery, any additional babies we have will need to be born via scheduled c-section. I know, I know, that really works people up, but I'll talk more about that another time. 

This is not the path I envisioned myself taking. This is not part of the life that I planned for myself. Invasive, painful surgery that also inhibits my ability to birth. 

But over the last week and a half, I have had to see this from another point of view. I AM NOT A VICTIM. Yes, this horrible thing has happened to me and I could dwell on it, but I already tried that. When I dwell on it, all I feel is anxiety and fear. All I can think about is surgery and pain and the "what ifs". But when I decide to take it head-on and "attack" the problem, there isn't much fear left. I think what scares me the most is that I have absolutely no control over this. I cannot workout more, eat better, make more money, go back in time, or do ANYTHING to fix this myself. It is out of my control. But my mindset and my choices CAN be in my control.

I have a friend, Sharon, who handles every change in her life as if it is just another phase. She flows gently through pregnancy, job changes, traveling, and trials as if it is a river that she floats on. It is all a part of life, and she joyfully accepts it all. I want to be more like her.

 I have spent the time since my appointment going through so many feelings and emotions. I have let myself feel the hurt of "things lost" (aka natural childbirth), I have stayed awake in fear while reading stories of failed procedures, I have felt rest and peace about my decision. And then today, they called to schedule the surgery and it all came back. 

I have already cried today, and I am sure there will be more tears in the future. Probably lots of them! But there is nothing that I will go through that my God has not already walked through and experienced. This is not a surprise to him. And I hope, oh I hope, that I can remain teachable. There is a purpose for this pain and suffering, and there will be an end, and I can't wait to see what is on the other side.

I have not shared details in this post because I have some readers who probably don't want to know (Hi Grandpa!), but please know that I am open to discuss my condition and the surgery. Just send me a message! I want to share this because I am sure I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE. Having this issue makes me feel so isolated and alone, and I didn't have anyone to really talk to about it. I recently found a group on Facebook that has been so nice to be able to discuss our problems without embarrassment or judgement!

I am sharing this because maybe you have something from your childbirth that sounds similar but are too afraid to talk about and don't know who to ask. ASK ME! As I researched, I couldn't find hardly any blogs, forums, ANYTHING that had women discussing this- only the medical journals! Oh, and for the record, many of these stated that this condition is only present in 3rd world countries, and has been cured in America! HA! I know a group of about 300 ladies that would protest that pretty heavily. But I am walking through this now, and I wouldn't mind the company. I have always wanted to live an open life so that my experiences could impact someone else, or give them encouragement as they walked through their trials.

This is part of life. This is part of birth. This is part of learning and part of MY healing process. I am not seeking your sympathy, but I am eager to see why God chose me and what will come of this. I will continue to pray that this process will not only heal my body, but heal my spirit as well.

"There is nothing the nearness of Christ can't heal"- Mike Wells